There are many motivational speakers and life coaches eager to discuss teen matters, but not everyone walks in a teenager’s shoes every day. It’s easy to give advice to parents and dispense wisdom to teens, but implementing that advice is not always straightforward if you’re no longer a teenager yourself. Hildegard Havenga has a passion for young people, and her vision is to uplift and empower them whenever she can. She shares her own experiences because, as an ordinary teenager from Pretoria, she also faces regular challenges and obstacles. She understands teenagers’ mental health better than most of us and shares several crucial insights worth noting.
October saw significant focus on mental health, but according to Hildegard, it can’t just be one month of the year. Especially when it comes to teenagers, constant awareness is necessary year-round.
Hildegard states, “Teen life is often a social survival struggle that deeply impacts our mental health. Recently, I reflected on my own experiences from the past year and paused to consider the challenges that I and other teens face daily. And then a harsh reality hit me.
“While it’s easy to see external factors like parental pressure, teachers, social media, and academic performance as the biggest obstacles, I’ve realised that the real challenge may be closer to the heart than we think (and hard to acknowledge). Teenagers’ biggest enemy when it comes to mental health is actually each other,” she adds.
“Let’s be honest about this reality: our greatest challenges often lie in how we treat and influence one another during such a vulnerable time in our lives. Here are a few ways I’ve seen this typically play out:
- The Fear of Failure: Perfectionism and its Consequences. “Teenagers are often overwhelmed by the fear of failure, a direct result of the constant pressure to survive in a world filled with performance-driven standards. The pressure to excel in every area—academically, socially, athletically—creates an environment where failure is almost seen as a death sentence. The relentless pursuit of unattainable standards often leads to anxiety, low self-esteem, and feelings of burnout because we feel we must get everything right and that nothing can go wrong. The expectation to be flawless makes our own success feel never good enough. But what’s particularly damaging is that this perfectionistic mindset affects not just our health but also our relationship with ourselves. Perfectionism promotes an ‘all or nothing’ way of thinking, where a single mistake is seen as a complete lack of worth. This leads to a fear of failure so strong that it prevents teenagers from trying new things or taking risks essential for growth and learning. We get lost in a cycle of self-criticism, and our mental health begins to crumble under the heavy burden of expectations.”
Hildegard suggests: “Instead of viewing failure as the endpoint, we need to learn to see it as an opportunity for learning and improvement. This also means reframing a “mistake” as simply another experience. It is through our mistakes that we gain insight and become better prepared for future successes. Teenagers must realise that their worth is not in their achievements but in who they are as individuals.”
Practical Tip: Choose something you enjoy but aren’t good at yet and try it just for fun – without expecting any recognition. The goal is not to be perfect (or to share it with the world) but to overcome the fear of failure by enjoying the process. It is often in these small successes, free from the pressure of social media “likes” that we truly feel liberated to learn and grow.
Social Exclusion: The Pain of Rejection. “For teenagers, social acceptance is one of the most important aspects of our lives, and the fear of being left out is an emotional burden we carry daily. This fear of rejection can be so intense that it deeply affects our self-esteem and even prevents us from expressing ourselves or engaging in activities that bring us joy. Instead of celebrating our uniqueness, we often try to conform to the norms and expectations of the group, or the environment you find yourself in, even when it conflicts with our own personalities or values.
The impact of this fear goes beyond mere discomfort. Social exclusion, or even the thought of it, can lead to severe emotional harm. It reinforces feelings of loneliness, isolation, and inferiority—all of which directly affect a teenager’s mental well-being. Rejection, or even the fear of it, can cause us to withdraw more and more, making us less likely to forge new relationships and ultimately finding ourselves in an emotional vacuum where we lose not only others but also our own self-confidence and identity.”
Hildegard suggests: “Teenagers need to learn that not everyone has to be the same to be accepted. True friendships require us to embrace each other’s differences instead of trying to fit everyone into a box. Sometimes the best way to thrive is to move away from anything that limits you. Being yourself is an act of courage – and it is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your own mental wellbeing.”
Practical Tip: Create a safe space with friends where you can be who you truly are. Share your feelings and experiences about social pressure and rejection. By having open conversations, you build a supportive network and remind each other that true friendship is about acceptance, not conformity.
- Cancel Culture: “The pressure to meet certain expectations is heightened by the alarming phenomenon of cancel culture—where someone can be quickly rejected for making a mistake or simply going against the grain. This fear of being ‘cancelled’ hits teenagers especially hard because we are already at a stage in our lives where social acceptance is crucial. The thought that one wrong comment, one unpopular opinion, or even an honest mistake could destroy our social life is overwhelming.
What makes cancel culture so toxic is that it creates an environment where honest communication and growing relationships stall. We become afraid to express ourselves, make mistakes, or hold opinions that differ from the majority because we are not only afraid of criticism but also of the total rejection that comes with cancel culture. It reinforces the idea that you must always be right, always align with the mainstream, and always behave impeccably—which is unrealistic and destructive.
The consequences of this culture on teenagers’ mental health are immense. Instead of thriving in an environment of understanding and acceptance, we live in a constant state of self-consciousness and anxiety. Rather than fully expressing their uniqueness, we learn to avoid them – to stay silent and hold back due to fear of rejection. And in doing so we may never reach our full potential.”
Hildegard suggests: “We must remember that perfection is an impossible ideal. We all make mistakes. Instead of judging and rejecting each other when someone does something wrong, we should learn to handle each other with grace and understanding. The Elon Musk’s and Charlize Theron’s of the world have achieved success by celebrating their uniqueness and taking risks, despite facing significant criticism. This also means giving each other the space to recover from our mistakes, to apologise, and to do better. Through grace and understanding, we can build a culture of empathy and support—which teenagers desperately need to stay mentally healthy in a world full of pressures.”
Practical Tip: Reframe a “mistake” as an “experience”. Start a movement where you share a “mistake of the week” in a light-hearted way and how you grew from it. This helps create an atmosphere of grace and understanding, reminding you that it’s okay not to be perfect.
“As the year quickly comes to a close, it’s the perfect time to reflect on how far you’ve come this year and to give yourself a little pat on the back. Maybe it hasn’t always been easy, and perhaps there were challenges that made you feel like you couldn’t keep up. Some blows may have even knocked you down completely. Being a teenager is undoubtedly a time of survival—but it can also be one of discovery and precious growth, even during tough times. Every step, big or small, is progress.”
So, if you feel like you don’t fit in or think you’re not “good enough,” remember that your worth is not determined by others. You are enough, just as you are. The new year holds new chances and opportunities. Use this time to rediscover yourself, refocus on what makes you unique, and prioritise your mental health at all times.
It’s wonderful to always be there for others as a good friend, but as a teenager, you also need to focus on your own journey—don’t lose sight of your own path in the process. It’s important to surround yourself with people who appreciate you for who you truly are and who genuinely care for you. And parents: you have an enormous responsibility to remind us of our worth and potential. Never stop inspiring us to follow our own paths with pride and determination.
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*Image Credit : Willem Botha
